Thoughts on 2020: COVID and Grief

This is in conjunction alongside a series of blog posts titled “Thoughts on 2020”.

I was ready for 2020 to begin. To me, the end of 2019 was a mixed bag of emotions. In November, I lost my dad to cancer. I had to pay the funds for his final arrangements. December I completed a mentorship program where I was co-teaching sixteen people about Data Analytics and highlighting my paid search background. During that, I was grieving over my dad and still managing work and life. 

I believed like a lot of people that this year would be better. I was so wrong about that. Right at the start of 2020, my mom gets ill. My twin sister and I took my mom to the hospital twice. One visit was for stomach issues and then a week later for blood loss and lack of energy. For the second visit, it was during the week. I had to send an emergency email to my job to notify them that I wouldn’t be in the office. I had to call an ambulance for my mom. I had never been in an ambulance before. That whole experience of the EMT workers being called and retrieving my mom was something I will remember forever. 

I felt a lot of anger towards the world during that day. I was mad at the people staring at us in the hallway lobby of my building as the EMT workers took her outside. I was annoyed because I had to come back to the hospital after leaving a week prior. At the hospital, I complained to the staff about our previous visit.  I had to let the EMT workers take over in the discussions.  I felt like the hospital failed in taking care of her. I felt alone during that time because my sister couldn’t accompany me. I was worried because during the previous hospital stint security had us wait in the waiting room before visiting my mom. I was at the hospital from 8 am until 10 pm. By the end of the night, my mom ended up needing and receiving a blood transfusion. She ended up staying that night and for the remainder of the month. I thought everything was fine. During my weekend my sister and I would visit her at the hospital. It became a routine for us. 

Following her stint at the hospital, she became well enough but needed physical therapy. During my birthday back in February, I found out that she would need to go to a nursing home/rehabilitation center. It didn’t bother me because I was glad she was receiving the care she needed. The only thing I didn’t like about her being there was that the place was far from home. At the rehabilitation center, my sister and I would continue to visit her. My mom was so happy to see us. While she was in the rehabilitation facility, I managed the apartment with my sister and my two older brothers. I managed work and life. This period was one of the many difficult times that I faced. I missed her dearly, it was hard being at home and her not being there. 

Eventually, I got adjusted to her being at the rehabilitation center and visiting her during the weekends. I thought everything was fine until the coronavirus happened.  I learned of the shocking news that nursing homes couldn’t have any visitors for the time being. I was upset. I managed the best I could during that time. It was difficult for me knowing I couldn’t see my mom at all. The only thing to do was call her. I would call during my workdays. I would remind her to eat and to ask for assistance if she needed anything. I remember her telling me they had stopped providing her medical care. I knew it was due to COVID. I was okay with that. But little did I know how much she still needed treatment from the facility. She had stopped eating and was getting sore from being in the same spot in bed all day. My mom ended up getting herself out of the facility and back home. 

The last two weeks I had with my mom was a wave of emotions. At the beginning of her time back at home, it seemed like everything was manageable. My sister and I were taking care of her. I felt like my mom was starting her recovery process. I was hopeful of everything to come. We had scheduled doctors and physical therapy visits. Sadly, my mom’s condition worsened before we could start her outpatient medical treatments. She passed away in early May. 

My mom had health issues since the beginning of the year, but since COVID, it became worse. I feel like if there was not any coronavirus, my mom would have still been alive. She went to the hospital twice and made it out fine. In the nursing home, she was doing well. It was only when the coronavirus hit then her health started to decline. Before the virus, she was receiving physical therapy. The nursing home canceled it. Setting up her burial arrangements was difficult too. Her burial took a lot longer to plan and hold. It is hard being without my mom. I am only 28 years old and now have to live without my mom forever. 

Seeing people who don’t wear a mask or believe the virus exists makes me upset. I know people who had COVID and died from it. My mom died due to a lack of medical care. Her medical care went to those affected by the virus and whom the nursing home thought needed it the most. To those who have lost someone from the coronavirus or by its ripple effects, I hope your loved ones rest in peace. It is emotionally hard for us right now during this time. I believe we can make it through.